Children coping with grief EXPLAINING DEATH TO CHILDREN grieving FUNERAL - funeralguide Children and Grief

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Children Coping With Grief

Funeral Guide has chosen to display the useful articles below due to their profound insight into the mind of a child rather than publishing our own. Information is supplied Ilze van der Merwe - Educational Psychologist and director of Bella Vida Centre. Follow the links at the end of each article to enter their website and read more.

Helping a Child Deal With Death

Though grieving is complex, it is not beyond the skills of a sensitive adult to help a child through it. The guidelines are fairly simple.

Tell the truth in terms the child can understand. Many adults try to spare their children by fabricating a tale about the person who has died, "Daddy has gone on a long trip, far away" or be delaying the truth. "We'll wait until things settle down", or even withholding it, "She's too young to understand anyway." Children are rarely fooled by these ploys, and are often anxious because of them. They are better off being told immediately by someone close in terms they understand.
Children need to be included. It used to be common practice to send children away during a time of grief. That only heightened their anxiety, added to their feelings of abandonment and deprived them of support just when tensions were highest. Funerals and other grieving rituals are helpful to children, too, and, wherever feasible, they should be allowed to take part.
Grieving children need loving support. At a time when their world has been turned upside-down, they need to be held and hugged, rocked and listened to, kissed and tucked in. All the significant adults- teachers, coaches, scout leaders, should know about the situation so they can help too. It's easy to overlook a grieving child, especially if he/she is being ‘good' (i.e. not bothering the grown-ups), but the too quiet grieving child is a child at risk. Better to seek him out and draw him out than later deal with the effects of unresolved grief.
Expect some delays and regressions. A child may take longer than a year to grieve for someone close, but be alert for grief that is too prolonged or grief that never surfaces, especially if the child seems depressed or is acting out. Professional help makes sense, even if it is ordinary grief that is causing the problems.

As parents, we would like to spare our children unnecessary grief, but we cannot shield them from every loss- nor should we. As we help our children express their feelings, say ‘good-bye' and continue with their lives, we are helping them develop a more realistic view of the world and a resilience to cope with it. Play Therapy is recommended to help children deal with loss and grief.